Lonely

I have so few people to really talk to that I have thought about using my blog kind of as an imaginary friend.  I can share my thoughts and feelings with the blogosphere and maybe be able to process, just as if I was talking to a friend.  Think about it, it could work.

Tears at School

Tonight was back to school night... and open house and I had such a tender experience.  I was in my room with one set of parents just talking about the class and chatting about the school.  I glanced out into the hall and noticed a woman waiting.  She looked a little grim, not gonna' lie.  I motioned to her and let her know that she was more than welcome to come inside.  However, she chose to remain in the hall.  

After the other parents left she came in and told me the name of her child.  I mentioned that I had missed him today, as he had been absent.  She said that they had some family problems and he couldn't get to school until the afternoon.  I told her I was sorry to hear that and that I hoped everything turned out okay.  That is when she haltingly told me that her cousin had passed away.  I told her how sorry I was and we agreed that our community had seen too much death lately.

We continued discussing her son, she told me a few warning signs to watch for, that he liked to day dream.  Then after an awkward pause she mentioned that she had another son at our school, the name she mentioned was one of my former students who has brain cancer.  I had secretly been hoping that his cancer was gone because he looks like he is doing so well.  I shared with her that I had heard they had recently had an appointment at Primary Children's Hospital.  That is when she told me that his tumor has spread to other parts of his brain.  The drugs that he had been taking were to slow down the growth of the tumor, but it was back.  They now had to do radiation.  

The Navajo are not big criers, so it is always alarming for them to be around me, I cry a lot.  A few tears leaked out as she told me about her son and I told her, "I will cry for you."  We talked a while longer about her children.  A few more tears leaked out.  As she left we did the traditional hand shake and the "nice to meet you."  Then out of the blue she gave me a big hug and said, "Thank you," and she walked away.

Oh, how I love people.  We are all carrying around burdens.  I hope that we can have compassion and let others share their burdens with us a to carry a little.  So many have listened to me and have helped me lighten my load.  If you ever need me to, I will cry for you. 

Move to Blanding? Are you sure?

We have moved to Blanding.  It has been the craziest thing ever.  I knew the Lord wanted me to put in the application so I thought to myself I would just do that much and try not to think about the next step.  I did the same with the interview, I said the interview went so well that I almost talked myself into thinking I wanted to go there!  When they offered me the job I locked myself in the bathroom and cried like a baby.  Anywho, the Lord has really blessed us in finding a place to live here (it is so hard to find rentals in Blanding, Steve Lovell helped me find a place that belongs to the district and is only $500 a month that they take right out of my check).  We live right next to the elementary school so the girls can just walk right next door even after I am gone.  B has to ride his bike to school but he is proud of how physically fit he is. :)

This week another blessing, we got an offer on our house in Ogden, so hoping it will sell within the next three weeks.  School is hard but I know I am supposed to be here, so I try to just hang in there.

Saturday Elias came down to see the kids so I had a free moment and decided to go to the temple in Monticello.  When I got there I saw a lady that teaches with me in Montezuma Creek.  Her son was going through in preparation for his mission and another girl from the branch in Montezuma Creek was going through for her mission.  They are both going to a mission in Mexico in the next few months.  It was a perfect session to stumble into.  The Monticello temple is so tiny and “cute.” ;)  There were only a few in the session, about 30-ish.  Well, I knew that my dad’s business partner, Pete Black, was the Branch President in Montezuma Creek.  Coming to Blanding has made me face many dragons that I had tucked far, far away.  In the back of my mind I kind of always blamed Pete for my dad’s stroke.  When I first moved here and my Bishop told me Pete was the Branch President tears came to my eyes, I was like, “whoa” I guess there are some unresolved issues there.  So, sitting in the temple I was nervous to see who would walk in.  Sure enough, in walked Pete Black.  I chuckled in my heart at how Heavenly Father does things, because who can be mad in the temple?  Sam Pugh also walked in who was a guy who worked at (and still works at) Recapture Metals forever.  It just took me back to the times when all partners and employees at Recapture got along and worked hard together to make it work.  I decided it was better to remember the good times rather than anything else.

In the Celestial room I was able to talk to Pete and his wife and I am grateful that I was able to get those weird blaming feelings out of the way.  It helped me remember that we are all just people trying to live the gospel the best we can.  Things happen along the way, but if Heavenly Father can forgive everyone (especially me) than I need to be able to forgive people.  

Living here has been weird, tackling one tucked away dragon at a time.  But it is good to grow, eh?  We are never too old to keep learning.

You know, so much of my blog I consider documentation.  Sad, I remember when I used to blog to stay in touch with my family.  But, that was before facebook. ;)

So, tonight was S's program at the school.  She is such a cutie, she sang and danced with a smile on her face.  E showed up late with Lora (who doesn't have a facebook, as far as I can see... weird.... because then she could see all of the skanky girls that E is friends with), they were late and missed S's performance.  Wednesday night is his night to take the kids so we had a lot of prep to do before we left the house.  Homework done for tomorrow and for the week since we are going to Orderville on Friday.  Teacher gifts done, the girls made scarves for their teachers... I had to help finish them and get them wrapped and into backpacks.  Make sure they have school shoes on for tomorrow etc. etc. etc.  B also wanted to take their Papa's gift.  I bought him a couple of really nice blankets because the kids say they are always cold at his house.  So I thought it would be a good thing for the kids to give him for Christmas.

We all walked out together and the kids went to the car to get their stuff.  So I asked E and Lora if they were planning on getting married in the temple.  Lora answered in her super sweet voice, "That is none of your business, but yes, yes we are."  It confused me because I had always thought she was nice with that crazy high sweet voice... but I guess not.  I mentioned again that I was sure I was supposed to receive a letter for E to be able to be sealed to someone else.  Lora then clapped her hand and said, "Yay!  A temple divorce, so then we can get rid of you!" in that same sweet voice.  It was weird.

By now the kids had walked up and I didn't want them to think we were arguing so I stepped in closer to speak softly to them when Lora started screaming at me, "Get back!  Get back!  You have to stay at least two feet away from me!!  Get back, get back, get back!!"  I was so confused I stood there staring at her.  What on earth was this?  She then proceeded to tell me how awful I was, manipulative and .... I can't even remember what else.  It was surreal.

S was crying and hanging onto my leg, L was in the van crying... it was awful.  I tried to tell them that everything was fine and kiss them.  We started talking about tomorrow after school and I heard E saying, "See, see how she is."  I have no idea what he was talking about.

I leaned up and whispered to Lora that I had tried to speak softly as to not upset the kids.  That I knew just how she felt because E had threatened to choke me and to punch me before.  I didn't want to get in her space, I just wanted to speak softly as to not concern the kids because I have worked really hard to protect them through all of this.

E must really be telling her some whoppers, because she was acting nutso when I tried to speak to her.  I had always assumed that she was kind and sweet, bummer that it was just an act.

At the end I just said that we will be following the divorce decree from now on and just do Wednesday nights.  Then I walked to my van.  As I started up the van E drove up and boxed me in so I couldn't back out.  He came up to the window and said, "We really shouldn't talk about things like that in front of the kids."  I looked back in shock as he has yelled, sworn, threatened me many a time in front of the kids.  It was like he was a character in a play.  I just said back that I was the one who had told him that many times.  He had already delivered his line and he just walked away.

I am so tired of this!  I can't ever even speak to him without a big fight.  Their wedding plans are just creeping me out a little because I can't wrap my head around him being worthy to enter the temple.  Also, last week they took the girls out to buy "bridesmaid" dresses.  The girls said they were white.  (Weird?)  And then S told me that Lora thought B should get a white tie and a white shirt...  Then the kids were talking about how excited they were to go to the temple.  (Red flag!)  I explained to them that they were too young to go in the temple still and my girls were then confused, because they were sure that they would be in the wedding with E and Lora.

I hope to shout that E and Lora won't try and take my kids and get sealed to them.  Please tell me the church couldn't be that disorganized or gullible.  E has become quite the liar, however, who knows what he is telling his Bishop!

I am just so tired of this.  Can't we be done now?  I just want to raise my kids in peace.  They have such a hard time with this emotional roller coaster.  A weekend in Orderville will be heaven sent. :)

I choose to be grumpy, not!

I suppose it is time for me to blog again. :)  I'm ba-a-ack.

Today I went to a family practice doctor, Dr. Qadar.  I don't think I have ever had a doctor that was really MY doctor except for my OB/GYN, Julia Johansson, who is fabulous, by the way.  Anywho, she recommended this doctor because of a few things that have been going on.

I got to the office early to fill out paper work and then waited for ever to get in (an hour....) and I was fighting of my usual mind set of "I've been here too long, I'm grumpy."  Then I realized that I actually didn't want to spend any energy on being grumpy because then I would forget all of the things I wanted to talk to him about.  My little mind trick actually worked!  I couldn't be grumpy if I didn't allow it.  I made a list of all of my concerns and worries and was able to address each one.

I also tried the same thing this morning when a parent/student called at 7:30 AM.  That's right, 7:30 in the morning.  I was talking to the mom and thinking in my mind how I had needed to contact him any way either today or tomorrow, so I tried to talk myself into thinking that it was so great that they called because I could check one item off my to do list.  And voila!  I was not annoyed that they called.

So, basically I'm feeling all empowered and amazed at my brain and attitude.  It actually is exciting to realize that I can flip the switch and choose not to be grumpy.  I've heard it all my life but I never really wanted not to be grumpy "enough" to give it a try.

Here's hoping I can do it again sometime!

So, it has been awhile. I am getting much better but there is still so very far to go. I can talk more freely now about the horrible things E has done. In the past I felt like it wasn't my place to spread his sins out for all to see, but now, meh... I will tell all if anyone asks.

So, he has been pretty rotten recently. Everything seems to be a big fight. To get him to stop coming to the house every single day was a crazy fight. Taking away the garage door opener, changing the code again and again (he used to drive a Mercedes and would just reprogram his car to the garage). One time when we stayed home from church sick I hear the garage opening and there he was, with another garage door opener. Then I told him I couldn't find the house key and he just happened to have it in his car. Exhausting.

I forced him to make a schedule for visitations, he acted like it was the most ridiculous thing he had ever heard of. He just likes to call whenever and say, "Can I take the kids for awhile?" I printed out a calendar and made him choose when he would like the kids. He wanted to just come over here and hang out but I told him he would have to take the kids to his place. He wanted to just take two at a time and once again I forced the issue and said he needed to take all of them. He finally chose a weeknight, he picks them up after work and they stay over night at his house. I asked if he wanted every other weekend, but no, that is when his girlfriend visits.

Oh, yes, he has a girlfriend that doesn't mind that she is dating a married man. He took her to Christmas, even with the kids. I made him promise me that he wouldn't have her over when he had the kids at his apartment. We have "talked" many times about how I don't think it is good for the kids to see who he is dating. I think he should leave them out of it. I have tried and tried to get him to just leave the kids separate, but he refuses. Last week at B's basketball game the girls told me they saw Sara sitting on the other side. So E came and sat with us and apparently she sat just a ways down. Creepy! They are definitely not very adult about this. I wish he would just leave me alone.

Today he took the kids to his niece's birthday party. Before he has "snuck" Sara along, like she just shows up at wherever they happen to be. Today, however, he just pulled up to the house bold as brass with his girlfriend in the car. When he brought them back I let the kids in and hung up their coats etc. but E just kept standing in the door. I was so uncomfortable. Finally I asked if he was going to pick the kids up for school tomorrow in time for breakfast at school. He answered yes and just kept standing there. "Yes?" I asked.

"The kids will tell you anyway, so, Sara came with us," he says.

"I know." Still, he stands in the door. When is he going to leave? What does he want?

"I don't want to make you feel bad," he starts. Whenever anyone says they don't want to make you feel bad, that is exactly what they want. "She is here with me in the car."

I know he is goading me, he is just waiting for a fight. I can't believe I have held back this long. But he is just rubbing it in my face. Finally I say, "You can't be an adult." He is happy now that he knows he has unsettled me, and he leaves. The look on his face while he was telling me that Sara is sitting in the car, he was just so proud and excited to be able to humiliate me. He felt like such a man to be able to make a fool of me in my own home. It made my stomach turn.

I am starting to ponder moving, just to get away from him. I will always have to put up with something. And it is always something new, every week. This week when he came to get the kids I told him he would have to get them ready. I usually have them all packed with pj's and school clothes, toothbrushes and hair supplies, clean underwear and socks, pillows, blankets, the works. Last week he got off of work early so he came 2 1/2 hours early, but he didn't let me know. So, when I said he could get them ready he rudely asked, "Am I allowed to walk around the house?" It struck me as odd and I tried to remember if I had asked him not to go into the kids rooms or anything. I have asked him many times not to just walk in the door. He refuses to comply. I try to always keep the doors locked, but if for some reason they are open he will just walk right in, every time.

Later, I found out he had taken my camera and the USB cord and I realized that the "walk around the house" comment must have been coming from his own guilt. I don't know when he sneaked into the office to find the cord and camera, but it turns out that he did. All week I was looking for my camera. I was afraid I had left it at B's basketball game the week before. I searched top to bottom, missed the photo op of B receiving an award at school, but still couldn't find it. Finally I announced to the girls, "I can't find the camera, so if you see it anywhere let me know."

S pipes right up and says, "Papa has it." I started with the "he probably bought his own camera" bit but she was confident. "I saw it in his apartment."

So, I thought I might as well try because I had searched coats, bags, the hateful van, the office, everywhere in the house... I call E and tell him, "I can't find the camera anywhere. I think I might have lost it at the basketball game. Did you happen to see it anywhere?"

"It is in my car."

"It's in your car?" I am confused. "Did you find it?"

"I wanted to take pictures of the kids sledding." I had asked him if he wanted to take the kids sledding because Santa brought them some round saucers for Christmas and they hadn't been able to go yet. He took them and his Sara met them there.

I say, "You forgot to tell me."

"I knew you would make a big deal out of it, like you always do. I knew ..."

I cut his ranting off and said, "Okay, okay, I have just been looking for it all week," and then I hung up.

He gave the camera back the next day and proudly displayed a new camera he has bought with his Best Buy credit. The same Best Buy credit that spelled out the beginning of the end for our marriage. He opened an account and bought a laptop without talking to me about it. The next two months he would sit on our bed with his laptop whenever he was in the house. He wouldn't come down for dinner, he didn't interact with the kids... The same laptop that I had to borrow one weekend when my computer had been sent to my tech guy for re-imaging. He left three days later after many lies... but by then I had seen with my own eyes and knew they were lies.

He never apologizes, not for taking the camera (he blames that on me because I would have thrown a big fit, he had to sneak it out), not for his girlfriend breaking one of our sleds, not for snowplowing the cord of my new little spiral Christmas trees I had outside, not for yelling at me when I asked if he could jump the van during his lunch hour. Yesterday he actually said to me, "You never put yourself in my shoes." He is just exhausting to be around.

I am trying to pray my way past this anger stage. You know how you hear that the atonement can help you forgive and heal, as well as repent. Well, this week I realized that my anger and the mean things I say are sins. I need the atonement to help me get past this because all of this bitterness will cause me to sin more. I would rather stay on the path and stay closer to the Lord. So, I am working on it, but I am still pretty angry.

This week it also came to me that E is suffocating all of the love that we had for each other. His behavior is suffocating any good feelings I used to have. So sad.

It is good for me to be reminded of my kids in all of this. They hate it when we argue in front of them, yet another thing that E seems not to see the importance of. I have to keep it civil for them. I want to wrap them up in a big loving cocoon and help them feel safe, important, loved... They are suffering and will continue to suffer more than either E or I. It is not fair.

I did read a great scripture this week. I feel so frustrated about not being able to control things that hurt my kids or are confusing for them. Doctrine and Covenants 123:17 says:

"Therefore, dearly beloved brethren, let us cheerfully do all things that lie in our power; and then may we stand still, with the utmost assurance, to see the salvation of God, and for his arm to be revealed."

It hit me that all I can do is my part and then stand with assurance. That is my goal from here out. Concentrate on things I can improve, E is going to be a jerk and hurt the kids over and over, I can't control that. I have tried to talk to him, but he does what he wants. When I read the scripture the Spirit whispered to me that if I do the things that lie in my power, it will be enough. I can help them grow and be strong and confident, which is my greatest desire.

Today is a break down day. I can feel my heart racing and I am pretty weepy, so I thought maybe writing a little would help me pull it together.

My kids are really growing up. So many opinions. R is so stubborn about her hair, she really needs a hair cut and a style. She wants to just leave it as is and it is not so good... Today for school I put in a teeny tiny pony tail (the girls have very specific names for all the things we do to their hair). Well, she did not like it. I didn't have the time to talk her into it or distract her before her ride came. L was staying home from school sick so R was going by herself. I had to carry her down the stairs to the door. Then I just gave up. I didn't have it in me to carry her to the car and hand off the problem to my neighbor running the carpool. So, I said she could just stay home.

Then I closed the door and burst into uncontrollable sobs. I have got so much work to do and these kids need so much time and attention. I feel completely overwhelmed. So, R stayed home and we'll just say she was sick again. I am too tired to do otherwise.

Christmas is coming and I am so ready for it. I hope the kids don't find the secret stash. Twenty-five days is quite a long time! Fingers crossed everyone.

E showed up yesterday. In the morning he asked if I needed any help this week and I am too stubborn to tell him when I need help. He has only seen his kids once the last couple of weeks because I finally got him to stop coming over every day. So, yesterday morning I told him that if he wanted to see his kids he needed to call and set something up. So he said he would come over that night. Last night he came over and announced that he would take two kids to sleep at his apartment. S peed in his bed. I guess R and S slept in his bed and he slept on the floor... and she peed the bed.

This morning he announced that he would take B and L to sleep over tonight. I get so frustrated. I feel like I am trying to teach him everything. We have been over and over the whole "plan things out" idea and he just refuses. He refused a schedule, he said he can't take them all every other weekend. Then there is the whole girlfriend issue, he may or may not be living with someone, sometimes. So, I don't know what to do and I am so tired of making all of the decisions and being the only adult in the equation. I just want to protect my children.

Yesterday he also complained because I gave him his Christmas ornaments and decorations. He thinks I should keep pictures of him up in the house and keep things around so the kids know him. We have had this conversation many times before as well. I asked if he wanted some photos of me to hang up in his apartment and he made a rude comment. He just doesn't get it, ever.

I'm tired and want all of this to just go away.

Bishop

So, I had an appointment with the Bishop for a Sunday afternoon at 2:15. I took all of the kids with me and they all had a quiet activity to keep them busy. Of course I was late, so I was a little relieved to see that he was still in with the people who had an appointment before me. We sat and waited with the executive secretary who was watching the little boy of the couple who were in with the Bishop. We hung out, waiting ... after about 30 minutes I asked when the next appointment was coming. There were only about 15 minutes until the next appointment came. I decided that if they showed up, we would just leave. I didn't want them to have to sit out waiting forever for me to finish. My kids were starting to get a little crazy any way.

So, low and behold, the next appointment showed up. I told the ex sec to make sure and tell the Bishop I was mad, and I left. I tell you, I am crazy feisty lately. Not a good thing. It is embarrassing.

Anywho, I saw the Bishop later in the week at pack meeting. He apologized and I could tell he was a little afraid of the crazy woman. We set another appointment for Thursday.

Before my appointment Thursday I had a huge blow up with E. He was trying to give me a little lecture and I, of course, let him know that I did not have to listen to his lectures any more. He got more and more angry as I refused to learn from him and ended up saying a bunch of mean things like, "Who would want to live with a woman like you?" So, big fat loud fight, in front of the kids, which I hate right before I go to the Bishop's office and E went off to soccer practice with all of the kids.

When I walked in with the Bishop I was just so angry at him, at E, at life... he asked me how I was and I burst into uncontrollable tears. I was making weird crying faces and I had to turn my head away while I was getting it under control. Finally I stopped crying and asked if we could talk about Primary first so I could pull it together, it worked.

When we started talking about E the Bishop had a million questions. He is still in shock and just can't believe it all happened. We went on and on about the last few years and the last couple of months. It was nice to just be able to put everything on the table. I haven't told anyone else all of the things that E has done, so it was quite refreshing to just lay it out there.

After all of that he asked what he could do for me. That is when I slipped in my question about counseling and here is what he said, "Counseling is usually for bigger problems. Like E, he needs counseling, but you, you have it all together." Oh, bother. Then he admitted that he didn't really know what was available and I asked if he would please check into it for me.

So, now that we have all judged my crazy Bishop so harshly (I did, believe you me) I found out that his father died the following morning. He had broken his leg a couple of months ago and has just been going down hill fast since then. So, all this time I was wanting the Bishop to pay attention to me, he had been sitting by his father's deathbed watching him slip away.

How sad is that? I went to the funeral today. There weren't more than 30 people there I bet. Bishop has a brother but it looks like neither of them have children and there wasn't any other family besides his mom. Bishop had asked the RS president to help him find enough pall bearers. Sad.

Every time I get all wrapped up in my woes and sorrows, I remember my great family and friends. I have been really blessed and surrounded by good people. And I do "have it all together" in so much that I can turn to the Lord in prayer and feel the comfort that comes from the Spirit. So, I will be alright. ...but I still think I want counseling. ;)

Thank You!

I don't know how to thank all of those who have been so great to me. I sometimes can't even remember if I have responded to an email or comment, so hopefully many of you will read this. Just to know that I am loved is so huge right now. Anytime someone comments or sends me a message it buoys me up and helps me get through another hour.

Yes, he is still "gone."

Things are still the same. He wants a divorce and is living with his mother but he comes here every single day. He is trying to help out, and each little thing he does really is a help... but still.

I struggle every single day. From hour to hour... probably more like 15 minute intervals... I am fine one moment then I am in the depths of despair the next, and pretty often I am angry. Angry at Elias, angry at Heavenly Father, angry at the world, angry at the Bishop... pretty much anything can set me off. I try so hard not to take it out on my kids, but when they don't obey or won't go to bed sometimes I go a tad ballistic. I am taking more time to hug and talk to each one, but it is never enough.

One thing that is annoying is that this isn't what a divorce should look like. He should just be gone and we try to rebuild our lives. I have come to realize that there are no "laws" about how anything should look. We are all individuals and this isn't like anything I have ever seen before, but then again I have never been involved in anything like this before.

I ran away to Southern Utah for the weekend to try and escape a while. It was nice. They let us stay at the ranch in a little house, we were so comfortable. We went out on the pond in a boat for an adventure, the kids found lots of adventure every where outside. They had a blast playing with each other and especially playing with their cousins. My school also had an activity at Zions that was fun. Mostly I loved the beauty, being outside can be so soothing.

At night, however, I couldn't sleep. I woke up a million times a night. I ended up getting so sick, bronchitis, and having many breakdowns. Whenever anyone says something nice, I tear up. So annoying! Susan had surgery and I didn't help out one bit. It really feels like I have been wrapped up in myself for years and years, my whole life probably. One big thing after another. Poor, poor Julie.

I have "yelled" at the RS Pres for trying to make me wear a name tag. I got after the Bishop for not checking on me, "Are you wondering how I am doing Bishop, because I've been waiting for you to call and check on me, but you haven't. I am not doing so good and I could really use some support blah, blah, blah." Who does that?! Apparently, I do. The worst of it is, I didn't stop there. "I was wondering if you are going to let me make any decisions in Primary. Because when we asked for anyone in RS you just ignored us and it seems like you want to make all of the decisions yourself blah, blah blah." Ouch.

You should she the Bishop's wife, she is so quiet and sweet. She always thanks him for what he teaches her etc. I doubt he has had much experience with such a strong willed woman as myself. Anywho, what is done is done. After all the ranting Bishop and I had a nice talk about Primary so maybe he will just forget the first part? Fingers crossed....

Awkward Moments

Primary Presidency Meeting: at the end of our meeting the sisters started talking about how they had met their husbands. Sweet girl Janelle looks at me and asks how we met. I was quiet and tried to say in a natural way, "Let's not talk about this right now." She pressured me a little and so I said, "He's left us," which was as much as I could get out with out "sob-talking."

She was so confused and she asked, "Where did he go?" Bleh. I get so tired of crying in front of everyone. I am just so raw and it is hovering right below the surface. Anywho, it was awkward. When I finally got it all explained then they wanted to stay around to make me feel better but it was nine o'clock and all I wanted to do was get my kids in bed.

Another horrible moment was the visit of the home teachers. They called and set an appointment to come later in the week, Friday. It just so happened that DiAnn was here. :) Yay. However, Elias was here as well. He was outside when they came over and so he just came on in with them. They had a message prepared and talked and talked. The awkward part came when one of them started talking about being a good father. Then he went on to talk about divorce. He got all teary eyed and shared with us some experiences with his first wife and divorce.

GET ME OUT OF HERE is what I was thinking. And there sat Elias, pretending like everything was normal. It really makes me wonder how long he has been living a lie, because from the looks of it, he is pretty good at it.

Today is a bad day. Feeling feisty and annoyed ... and sad and sorry for myself. I would rather not have days like this... I would rather have the calm days. So, I am going to pull it together, stop thinking too much and just live.

First, a couple of sad things. B said he has a new friend at school and he told him something that might help him. B showed me a rubber band on his wrist and said that his friend wears a rubber band and when ever he thinks about his parents divorce he pull the rubber band back and flips his wrist, hard. What?! We had a little discussion about not hurting yourself. Hitting yourself is just as bad as hitting someone else. You need to respect and love yourself blah, blah, blah.

This morning I talked to E and he said some crazy things about the church. He is really wandering in the midst of darkness, he is so confused and lost. It really broke my heart. I just say BEWARE. This can honestly happen to anyone. You just lose little by little and all of a sudden you are in complete darkness. And the problem is, you can't even tell that you are in darkness. :(

You know... I have been thinking about the usefulness or purpose of this blog. I know I am sharing way too much information and I think that makes some people a little uncomfortable. The truth is, I don't mind some people knowing how I feel, I just don't want to have to say it out loud.

Also, it gives me a place to vent. To whine and complain. Super sorry it is such a downer. That has been another difficult part of this situation. I am tired of traumatizing others! I feel so bad for the shock and the horror that others experience. It is much easier to just not talk about it.

And don't think I haven't noticed how careful people are being with me. Hey, I am still me, you don't need to be careful. Just because of the sob-talking... I am mostly over that... and if not, it passes quickly. Susan and I had a good laugh about awkward conversations, I've had a few lately.

Here is a "sad" story. A lady in my ward takes R & L to school and I bring home her son. One day she called to say that her vehicle had broken down and could I take the kids to school. When I went to get her son, I was a little early, but they were just pulling in. She had remembered that her husband's car was at the base even though he was very far away, and she had gotten a ride to go get it. She offered to drive but I said that was fine I could wait. So, they run in and he changes his clothes. He comes back out and jumps in the van. Then she says, "Do you want me to go with you?" Of course, he does. So she decides she will just drive him to school herself. Hmmmm.

Earlier she had asked if E could take a look at her car. She has no idea about what is going on apparently, so I said I could give her his cell phone and she could ask. It turns out that she did ask and he went over that day after work and changed her spark plugs and cables. He had bought all of the parts and they totaled $46. When he was done she said, "Oh, I'm glad it was something easy to fix. Should I make the check out for $50?" She wanted to pay him $4!! He was in shock not only for the four dollars, but also because she thought it was something so easy; he told her to go ahead and make it out for $60. So he earned a whopping $14. I feel so bad because he is really trying not to spend money from his check. I have spent most of it on the house payment. He put in gas once... but that is it. So, he could have used a little extra money. Anywho, I say that's what he gets for not paying tithing. :) Ha, ha.

Today I asked him if he is eating. He said, "Why? Am I looking fatter?" Then I realized that his mom had probably bragged that she was going to fatten him up. She has always blamed me for not being able to fatten him up. I asked him and he said she had said that. I knew it. Good luck lady, that's what I say.

I bet it is really hard for him to be living there. They make him nuts. Ruddy has bought a 53 foot semi trailer to fill up and drive to Honduras. E has said many times how ridiculous it all is, that they will never be able to pay the "taxes" on the stuff they are hauling... or make it through Mexico. Today E mentioned that the giant trailer is right in front of the house.

That is probably why he hangs out here so much.

Part of me wants him to be punished for his choice, and not let him come here to enjoy the nice spirit in our home. But this morning I read this scripture in Mormon chapter 8:

19 For behold, the same that ^ajudgeth ^brashly shall be judged rashly again; for according to his works shall his wages be; therefore, he that smiteth shall be smitten again, of the Lord.

20 Behold what the scripture says—man shall not ^asmite, neither shall he ^bjudge; for judgment is mine, saith the Lord, and vengeance is mine also, and I will repay.

So, I will try and remain calm, not judge rashly and keep my children safe and happy. :) Love to all.

Numb or Clueless

Just as an FYI for all y'all. Things are just the same as they were last week. E comes every morning to take B and S to school. Then he comes back and usually eats some cereal and hangs out until he goes to work. After work he generally comes over, helps around the house a little, helps gets the kids to bed and then leaves. (Is that spelling correct? All I can see are green leafy plants... leaves... brain is sleepy.)

I find myself trying not to think or feel, just to live day by day. I am trying to give my children more positive attention and make sure they feel loved.

Other than that, nothing new.

Soccer and Sunday

Soccer has begun. We now have 4 children playing, but at least they are on 3 different teams. This week they played at 3 different parks and thankfully at different times. They were all so excited, it was adorable. E was late for the game and R played the first quarter before he got there. She ran and hustled and had so much fun. I was so relaxed and enjoyed watching the sheer joy in her. The other two quarters she played she held back a little, I am not sure if it was because she was tired or she was tired of getting kicked... but she wasn't quite as aggressive. Little L on the other hand was a go-getter. She stayed aggressive the whole time, just fighting her way into the mob around the ball. She ran and ran and ran. It was hilarious, because I thought she would be much more timid.

S got to play plenty. She is the only brown haired girl on the team, all of the rest are blonds. So odd to me. But S ran and ran, made a goal and enjoyed herself immensely. I do worry about her "needy-ness" with everyone. It is like she is always trying to charm everyone, and she is usually successful, but I just worry about her.

I was so nervous for B and his game I was almost sick. E is not a great sports parent, he is one of those embarrassing dads that is always too hard on his kids. He is coaching B this year so it could go either way. Thankfully the game went great. It was very equally matched, there are a lot of good players on B's team and they pulled off a win. Whew. B seemed ecstatic after the game but then it wore off and he decided it is just okay. I was so relieved!

E stayed around all day Saturday. He keeps falling asleep at our house. I feel kind of bad for him. I can't imagine what it would be like living with his family in Brigham. In the late afternoon he started working on B's bike with him. At five o'clock I had to finally say, "We have to go." He wanted to know where and I told him we had a BBQ to go to. I still feel bad not inviting him. I know, I know... but I still feel bad, he is making such poor choices. So off we went to the BBQ and we had a great time!

Sunday was fine. I am getting better at getting the kids ready by myself day after day. In a way it is easier knowing that it is all on me. Before I had this secret hope that E could help out and do some of the work. Now I know I have just got to get it done. So, off to church and Primary... Primary went well. I think the most difficult challenge will be when teachers don't show up. Another challenge will be trying to change anything, because everyone is so used to how things are run.

Fiddly-dee. Church is hard.

Humiliation

Stupid, stupid, stupid E. Why must I suffer this humiliation over and over and over? Whenever someone else finds out one of the first things they say is, "Why?" Of course one wants to know why E left or semi left, because he is still here all of the time. However, I am not the one to ask. It was his decision. I am not going to enumerate his sins or shortcomings, that is rather personal and it really isn't my place. I would also rather not make a list of things "wrong" with me: too fat, nag to much, not that great in bed, spend too much money on chocolate and books, force him to pay tithing, do not love spending time with my in-laws... the list could go on and on. But, I don't think that is a really healthy way to think right now. So, please don't ask me why... you can give him a call and ask him. If you don't have his cell phone number I can hook you up with that.

Another humiliation came just now at the kids school. We filled out the Free/Reduced lunch form before school started and qualified for reduced lunch. Slightly humiliating in and of itself, but hey, we are grateful for the help. Then when E left I went in and filled out a new form thinking that maybe we qualify for free lunch. So, today the girl says we are out of lunch money for all of the kids. "Are you sure?" I ask, dreading the explanation that will have to come from me in moments. She then asked me if I had filled out the form. "Yes, and we qualified for reduced lunch the first time I filled it out." She starts typing on her computer and finds that they have been charging us the full price for lunch, that our qualification for reduced lunch had never been entered. Then I must continue... "Then my husband left us," I hear myself saying in a very public place, "and so I filled out another form with just my income." Her expression of surprise and pity is one I am getting very familiar with as she whispered she was sorry and asks if we are okay. That is when the true humiliation continues because the almost sob-talking begins, "No, we aren't, but can you check and make sure she got the second form?" I try to get it all out before I turn and make my speedy exit. It just isn't fair. Not fair, not fair, not fair.

Better Day

Deep breath.... and release. Today was a better day. E came by for the kids in the morning. I have been pretty impressed that he can get here so early because before he couldn't even roll out of bed to get them to school on time. I still feel like I have to be ready just in case he doesn't get here early enough. I feel guilty, but I am so grateful for even that little help of him taking them to school in the morning. Tuesday night he also stayed and bathed the girls while I worked. Just a little help goes a long ways.

Today I went out to dinner with the recently released Relief Society presidency. We always went out to eat for each of our birthdays and Pam thought we should go out one last time. She has been so great and so amazing, I am really going to miss talking to her all of the time. I sent all of the kids off to B's futbol practice with their papa and just ran away for awhile.

I had fed them quesadillas before the practice but they were all hungry by the time I got home around eight. The great mom that I am, I told them they could eat in the morning! No wonder they are all skin and bones. We also did zero homework tonight.... actually R did her homework, which is ironic because she is usually the only one who refuses to work. Everything is topsy turvy. I feel so guilty because I just can't wait to get them in bed.

B had is regular breakdown before bed. Today he said that he knew I hated him. He really is hurting inside, but I sure don't want the blame. Not fair, I say. I try to get him to put his feelings into words but he only comes out with crazy statements like, "Why don't you just get rid of me?" I must get him into counseling. Tonight I made him say a prayer and I made him hug me. His favorite thing is for me to come lay by him in his bed for awhile, so I think that helped him calm down a bit. B could use any extra prayers lying around out there.

I am so full. We ate at Iggy's, delish, and I am stuffed. It could also be the box of cookies I ate earlier. Must stay in control. What I need to do is fast again. :) A good fast will straighten things out.

I got a lot of work done today. It felt good, being productive. Thank goodness I have such a great job.

If you are yearning for a little tear in your eye listen to the song "Bring It Back" by Kris Allen. It is on my itunes play list and it made me a little sad today.

Oh, I started asking for the random favors today. :) Mary called and said she was going shopping and did I need anything. I asked her to keep an eye out for two coin purses. R and L are supposed to have a coin purse for school. Their teacher gives them pennies as positive reinforcement and at the end of each month the kids have a class store. Anywho, I haven't gone to the store in forever... so Mary found me some coin purses today. :)

I hear the neighbor putting out the trash. Bummer, I forgot. We shall see if I remember in the morning. Have a great night!

Too Hard

This is too hard. I don't want to do it anymore. I want life to go back to what it was like back in the good ole days. I had quite a few break downs today. I am getting tired of having to tell people that E doesn't live here any more. And the sad thing is, it has only just begun! Only a hand full of people who live here even know. Bother.

Today when E came by to see the kids I just broke into tears and said, "I don't think I can talk to you today," as I ran upstairs to the bathroom. S came in and wanted to know why I was crying. R came in and asked if I was sad because Papa didn't live with us anymore. It is uncanny how in touch with things she is!

I am just feeling beat down. This is too hard.

Now I must go off to watch Covert Affairs and pretend like I could have been a great CIA agent if I had only thought of that career path sooner. :)

Thank You

A shout out to all those who have been so great to me. People are being very kind. I find it funny that everyone wants to help. Not that I wouldn't want their help, just that the greatest help of all would be to fix everything, and they can't do that. So, my mind always goes blank when I try and think of something else they can do for me.

Hey, I should just start asking for random things... like maybe I need someone to fold my laundry everyday. That would be dreamy. :) Or maybe someone could power wash my house. Funny, to me at least.

I couldn't sleep last night. I woke up around 1 a.m. and slept fitfully after that, awake most of the time. I try so hard to turn my brain off and just breathe... but my darn brain keeps getting in the way. During the night I felt myself getting sick. Burning in the lungs with each breath and shallow breathing. It also felt like the mucus was building up right then as well. I could hear L hacking up a lung downstairs and R woke up in the night with cough and a stuffy nose.

So when I tried to wake up B this morning for school and he said he didn't feel good (which he says pretty much every day) I just went with it. I told him to go back to bed and I let the girls sleep in. No school today, they just laid around and watched TV all day. I got in quite a nap today as well, it was amazing how much better I felt afterward. I was able to get a lot of work done in the late afternoon.

So E came by today and couldn't open the garage. He asked if I had changed the code and I said yes. "That's why I couldn't get it open," he says without anger or maybe even the understanding that I did it to make him knock. I guess my life is just surreal, I am walking around in a daze all the time.

Dad called again today. The last time he called he was so nice. I was sobbing so hard I couldn't even say words... just grunt. He asked if I could talk better today and made a joke about knowing how I felt when I couldn't get the words out. When I thanked him for his previous call and told him how much it meant to me to hear that he was behind me all the way he said, "Well, it was just the right thing to do so I did it." I still remember him saying, "I just knew something was wrong, I knew it, I just knew it!" And today when I told him that I was just surviving from day to day he said that's how he lived too. Poor guy.

Yesterday I fasted for E, for him to wake up and recognize what he is doing. It made me a little uncomfortable. I guess I am afraid to get my hopes up. But that is what fasting is for, right? I could really use an instruction manual.

The familia Lucas brought us dinner tonight. Originally they had invited us to go and eat at their house, but I thought I should probably stop dragging my sick kids around infecting the world. They are so kind.

Yesterday we (RS) had an activity set up to go out to the Veteran's Nursing Home. I took all the kids and the minute I heard L cough I realized that we were going to cause the death of at least one person there by introducing some new strain of something. Bother. Another thing to feel guilty about. I also couldn't sleep last night because I had held a baby last night at a BBQ and I thought how horrible it would be if I had infected her. Bother.

Hey, I also dreamed about B's principal catching me in a lie. I was so tired in my dream that my stories weren't matching up and she started questioning me as if I were in a court of law. Rude. I so don't like to lie.

Well, tomorrow is the day I start teaching. Wish me luck, health and a pleasant voice.

Goodnight!

I am so exhausted today! Today was hard.