Thursday, September 30, 2010
Thank You!
I don't know how to thank all of those who have been so great to me. I sometimes can't even remember if I have responded to an email or comment, so hopefully many of you will read this. Just to know that I am loved is so huge right now. Anytime someone comments or sends me a message it buoys me up and helps me get through another hour.
Thursday, September 23, 2010
Yes, he is still "gone."
Things are still the same. He wants a divorce and is living with his mother but he comes here every single day. He is trying to help out, and each little thing he does really is a help... but still.
I struggle every single day. From hour to hour... probably more like 15 minute intervals... I am fine one moment then I am in the depths of despair the next, and pretty often I am angry. Angry at Elias, angry at Heavenly Father, angry at the world, angry at the Bishop... pretty much anything can set me off. I try so hard not to take it out on my kids, but when they don't obey or won't go to bed sometimes I go a tad ballistic. I am taking more time to hug and talk to each one, but it is never enough.
One thing that is annoying is that this isn't what a divorce should look like. He should just be gone and we try to rebuild our lives. I have come to realize that there are no "laws" about how anything should look. We are all individuals and this isn't like anything I have ever seen before, but then again I have never been involved in anything like this before.
I ran away to Southern Utah for the weekend to try and escape a while. It was nice. They let us stay at the ranch in a little house, we were so comfortable. We went out on the pond in a boat for an adventure, the kids found lots of adventure every where outside. They had a blast playing with each other and especially playing with their cousins. My school also had an activity at Zions that was fun. Mostly I loved the beauty, being outside can be so soothing.
At night, however, I couldn't sleep. I woke up a million times a night. I ended up getting so sick, bronchitis, and having many breakdowns. Whenever anyone says something nice, I tear up. So annoying! Susan had surgery and I didn't help out one bit. It really feels like I have been wrapped up in myself for years and years, my whole life probably. One big thing after another. Poor, poor Julie.
I have "yelled" at the RS Pres for trying to make me wear a name tag. I got after the Bishop for not checking on me, "Are you wondering how I am doing Bishop, because I've been waiting for you to call and check on me, but you haven't. I am not doing so good and I could really use some support blah, blah, blah." Who does that?! Apparently, I do. The worst of it is, I didn't stop there. "I was wondering if you are going to let me make any decisions in Primary. Because when we asked for anyone in RS you just ignored us and it seems like you want to make all of the decisions yourself blah, blah blah." Ouch.
You should she the Bishop's wife, she is so quiet and sweet. She always thanks him for what he teaches her etc. I doubt he has had much experience with such a strong willed woman as myself. Anywho, what is done is done. After all the ranting Bishop and I had a nice talk about Primary so maybe he will just forget the first part? Fingers crossed....
I struggle every single day. From hour to hour... probably more like 15 minute intervals... I am fine one moment then I am in the depths of despair the next, and pretty often I am angry. Angry at Elias, angry at Heavenly Father, angry at the world, angry at the Bishop... pretty much anything can set me off. I try so hard not to take it out on my kids, but when they don't obey or won't go to bed sometimes I go a tad ballistic. I am taking more time to hug and talk to each one, but it is never enough.
One thing that is annoying is that this isn't what a divorce should look like. He should just be gone and we try to rebuild our lives. I have come to realize that there are no "laws" about how anything should look. We are all individuals and this isn't like anything I have ever seen before, but then again I have never been involved in anything like this before.
I ran away to Southern Utah for the weekend to try and escape a while. It was nice. They let us stay at the ranch in a little house, we were so comfortable. We went out on the pond in a boat for an adventure, the kids found lots of adventure every where outside. They had a blast playing with each other and especially playing with their cousins. My school also had an activity at Zions that was fun. Mostly I loved the beauty, being outside can be so soothing.
At night, however, I couldn't sleep. I woke up a million times a night. I ended up getting so sick, bronchitis, and having many breakdowns. Whenever anyone says something nice, I tear up. So annoying! Susan had surgery and I didn't help out one bit. It really feels like I have been wrapped up in myself for years and years, my whole life probably. One big thing after another. Poor, poor Julie.
I have "yelled" at the RS Pres for trying to make me wear a name tag. I got after the Bishop for not checking on me, "Are you wondering how I am doing Bishop, because I've been waiting for you to call and check on me, but you haven't. I am not doing so good and I could really use some support blah, blah, blah." Who does that?! Apparently, I do. The worst of it is, I didn't stop there. "I was wondering if you are going to let me make any decisions in Primary. Because when we asked for anyone in RS you just ignored us and it seems like you want to make all of the decisions yourself blah, blah blah." Ouch.
You should she the Bishop's wife, she is so quiet and sweet. She always thanks him for what he teaches her etc. I doubt he has had much experience with such a strong willed woman as myself. Anywho, what is done is done. After all the ranting Bishop and I had a nice talk about Primary so maybe he will just forget the first part? Fingers crossed....
Friday, September 10, 2010
Awkward Moments
Primary Presidency Meeting: at the end of our meeting the sisters started talking about how they had met their husbands. Sweet girl Janelle looks at me and asks how we met. I was quiet and tried to say in a natural way, "Let's not talk about this right now." She pressured me a little and so I said, "He's left us," which was as much as I could get out with out "sob-talking."
She was so confused and she asked, "Where did he go?" Bleh. I get so tired of crying in front of everyone. I am just so raw and it is hovering right below the surface. Anywho, it was awkward. When I finally got it all explained then they wanted to stay around to make me feel better but it was nine o'clock and all I wanted to do was get my kids in bed.
Another horrible moment was the visit of the home teachers. They called and set an appointment to come later in the week, Friday. It just so happened that DiAnn was here. :) Yay. However, Elias was here as well. He was outside when they came over and so he just came on in with them. They had a message prepared and talked and talked. The awkward part came when one of them started talking about being a good father. Then he went on to talk about divorce. He got all teary eyed and shared with us some experiences with his first wife and divorce.
GET ME OUT OF HERE is what I was thinking. And there sat Elias, pretending like everything was normal. It really makes me wonder how long he has been living a lie, because from the looks of it, he is pretty good at it.
She was so confused and she asked, "Where did he go?" Bleh. I get so tired of crying in front of everyone. I am just so raw and it is hovering right below the surface. Anywho, it was awkward. When I finally got it all explained then they wanted to stay around to make me feel better but it was nine o'clock and all I wanted to do was get my kids in bed.
Another horrible moment was the visit of the home teachers. They called and set an appointment to come later in the week, Friday. It just so happened that DiAnn was here. :) Yay. However, Elias was here as well. He was outside when they came over and so he just came on in with them. They had a message prepared and talked and talked. The awkward part came when one of them started talking about being a good father. Then he went on to talk about divorce. He got all teary eyed and shared with us some experiences with his first wife and divorce.
GET ME OUT OF HERE is what I was thinking. And there sat Elias, pretending like everything was normal. It really makes me wonder how long he has been living a lie, because from the looks of it, he is pretty good at it.
Friday, September 03, 2010
Today is a bad day. Feeling feisty and annoyed ... and sad and sorry for myself. I would rather not have days like this... I would rather have the calm days. So, I am going to pull it together, stop thinking too much and just live.
First, a couple of sad things. B said he has a new friend at school and he told him something that might help him. B showed me a rubber band on his wrist and said that his friend wears a rubber band and when ever he thinks about his parents divorce he pull the rubber band back and flips his wrist, hard. What?! We had a little discussion about not hurting yourself. Hitting yourself is just as bad as hitting someone else. You need to respect and love yourself blah, blah, blah.
This morning I talked to E and he said some crazy things about the church. He is really wandering in the midst of darkness, he is so confused and lost. It really broke my heart. I just say BEWARE. This can honestly happen to anyone. You just lose little by little and all of a sudden you are in complete darkness. And the problem is, you can't even tell that you are in darkness. :(
First, a couple of sad things. B said he has a new friend at school and he told him something that might help him. B showed me a rubber band on his wrist and said that his friend wears a rubber band and when ever he thinks about his parents divorce he pull the rubber band back and flips his wrist, hard. What?! We had a little discussion about not hurting yourself. Hitting yourself is just as bad as hitting someone else. You need to respect and love yourself blah, blah, blah.
This morning I talked to E and he said some crazy things about the church. He is really wandering in the midst of darkness, he is so confused and lost. It really broke my heart. I just say BEWARE. This can honestly happen to anyone. You just lose little by little and all of a sudden you are in complete darkness. And the problem is, you can't even tell that you are in darkness. :(
Thursday, September 02, 2010
You know... I have been thinking about the usefulness or purpose of this blog. I know I am sharing way too much information and I think that makes some people a little uncomfortable. The truth is, I don't mind some people knowing how I feel, I just don't want to have to say it out loud.
Also, it gives me a place to vent. To whine and complain. Super sorry it is such a downer. That has been another difficult part of this situation. I am tired of traumatizing others! I feel so bad for the shock and the horror that others experience. It is much easier to just not talk about it.
And don't think I haven't noticed how careful people are being with me. Hey, I am still me, you don't need to be careful. Just because of the sob-talking... I am mostly over that... and if not, it passes quickly. Susan and I had a good laugh about awkward conversations, I've had a few lately.
Here is a "sad" story. A lady in my ward takes R & L to school and I bring home her son. One day she called to say that her vehicle had broken down and could I take the kids to school. When I went to get her son, I was a little early, but they were just pulling in. She had remembered that her husband's car was at the base even though he was very far away, and she had gotten a ride to go get it. She offered to drive but I said that was fine I could wait. So, they run in and he changes his clothes. He comes back out and jumps in the van. Then she says, "Do you want me to go with you?" Of course, he does. So she decides she will just drive him to school herself. Hmmmm.
Earlier she had asked if E could take a look at her car. She has no idea about what is going on apparently, so I said I could give her his cell phone and she could ask. It turns out that she did ask and he went over that day after work and changed her spark plugs and cables. He had bought all of the parts and they totaled $46. When he was done she said, "Oh, I'm glad it was something easy to fix. Should I make the check out for $50?" She wanted to pay him $4!! He was in shock not only for the four dollars, but also because she thought it was something so easy; he told her to go ahead and make it out for $60. So he earned a whopping $14. I feel so bad because he is really trying not to spend money from his check. I have spent most of it on the house payment. He put in gas once... but that is it. So, he could have used a little extra money. Anywho, I say that's what he gets for not paying tithing. :) Ha, ha.
Today I asked him if he is eating. He said, "Why? Am I looking fatter?" Then I realized that his mom had probably bragged that she was going to fatten him up. She has always blamed me for not being able to fatten him up. I asked him and he said she had said that. I knew it. Good luck lady, that's what I say.
I bet it is really hard for him to be living there. They make him nuts. Ruddy has bought a 53 foot semi trailer to fill up and drive to Honduras. E has said many times how ridiculous it all is, that they will never be able to pay the "taxes" on the stuff they are hauling... or make it through Mexico. Today E mentioned that the giant trailer is right in front of the house.
That is probably why he hangs out here so much.
Part of me wants him to be punished for his choice, and not let him come here to enjoy the nice spirit in our home. But this morning I read this scripture in Mormon chapter 8:
19 For behold, the same that ajudgeth brashly shall be judged rashly again; for according to his works shall his wages be; therefore, he that smiteth shall be smitten again, of the Lord.
Also, it gives me a place to vent. To whine and complain. Super sorry it is such a downer. That has been another difficult part of this situation. I am tired of traumatizing others! I feel so bad for the shock and the horror that others experience. It is much easier to just not talk about it.
And don't think I haven't noticed how careful people are being with me. Hey, I am still me, you don't need to be careful. Just because of the sob-talking... I am mostly over that... and if not, it passes quickly. Susan and I had a good laugh about awkward conversations, I've had a few lately.
Here is a "sad" story. A lady in my ward takes R & L to school and I bring home her son. One day she called to say that her vehicle had broken down and could I take the kids to school. When I went to get her son, I was a little early, but they were just pulling in. She had remembered that her husband's car was at the base even though he was very far away, and she had gotten a ride to go get it. She offered to drive but I said that was fine I could wait. So, they run in and he changes his clothes. He comes back out and jumps in the van. Then she says, "Do you want me to go with you?" Of course, he does. So she decides she will just drive him to school herself. Hmmmm.
Earlier she had asked if E could take a look at her car. She has no idea about what is going on apparently, so I said I could give her his cell phone and she could ask. It turns out that she did ask and he went over that day after work and changed her spark plugs and cables. He had bought all of the parts and they totaled $46. When he was done she said, "Oh, I'm glad it was something easy to fix. Should I make the check out for $50?" She wanted to pay him $4!! He was in shock not only for the four dollars, but also because she thought it was something so easy; he told her to go ahead and make it out for $60. So he earned a whopping $14. I feel so bad because he is really trying not to spend money from his check. I have spent most of it on the house payment. He put in gas once... but that is it. So, he could have used a little extra money. Anywho, I say that's what he gets for not paying tithing. :) Ha, ha.
Today I asked him if he is eating. He said, "Why? Am I looking fatter?" Then I realized that his mom had probably bragged that she was going to fatten him up. She has always blamed me for not being able to fatten him up. I asked him and he said she had said that. I knew it. Good luck lady, that's what I say.
I bet it is really hard for him to be living there. They make him nuts. Ruddy has bought a 53 foot semi trailer to fill up and drive to Honduras. E has said many times how ridiculous it all is, that they will never be able to pay the "taxes" on the stuff they are hauling... or make it through Mexico. Today E mentioned that the giant trailer is right in front of the house.
That is probably why he hangs out here so much.
Part of me wants him to be punished for his choice, and not let him come here to enjoy the nice spirit in our home. But this morning I read this scripture in Mormon chapter 8:
19 For behold, the same that ajudgeth brashly shall be judged rashly again; for according to his works shall his wages be; therefore, he that smiteth shall be smitten again, of the Lord.
Wednesday, September 01, 2010
Numb or Clueless
Just as an FYI for all y'all. Things are just the same as they were last week. E comes every morning to take B and S to school. Then he comes back and usually eats some cereal and hangs out until he goes to work. After work he generally comes over, helps around the house a little, helps gets the kids to bed and then leaves. (Is that spelling correct? All I can see are green leafy plants... leaves... brain is sleepy.)
I find myself trying not to think or feel, just to live day by day. I am trying to give my children more positive attention and make sure they feel loved.
Other than that, nothing new.
I find myself trying not to think or feel, just to live day by day. I am trying to give my children more positive attention and make sure they feel loved.
Other than that, nothing new.
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