Yes, he is still "gone."

Things are still the same. He wants a divorce and is living with his mother but he comes here every single day. He is trying to help out, and each little thing he does really is a help... but still.

I struggle every single day. From hour to hour... probably more like 15 minute intervals... I am fine one moment then I am in the depths of despair the next, and pretty often I am angry. Angry at Elias, angry at Heavenly Father, angry at the world, angry at the Bishop... pretty much anything can set me off. I try so hard not to take it out on my kids, but when they don't obey or won't go to bed sometimes I go a tad ballistic. I am taking more time to hug and talk to each one, but it is never enough.

One thing that is annoying is that this isn't what a divorce should look like. He should just be gone and we try to rebuild our lives. I have come to realize that there are no "laws" about how anything should look. We are all individuals and this isn't like anything I have ever seen before, but then again I have never been involved in anything like this before.

I ran away to Southern Utah for the weekend to try and escape a while. It was nice. They let us stay at the ranch in a little house, we were so comfortable. We went out on the pond in a boat for an adventure, the kids found lots of adventure every where outside. They had a blast playing with each other and especially playing with their cousins. My school also had an activity at Zions that was fun. Mostly I loved the beauty, being outside can be so soothing.

At night, however, I couldn't sleep. I woke up a million times a night. I ended up getting so sick, bronchitis, and having many breakdowns. Whenever anyone says something nice, I tear up. So annoying! Susan had surgery and I didn't help out one bit. It really feels like I have been wrapped up in myself for years and years, my whole life probably. One big thing after another. Poor, poor Julie.

I have "yelled" at the RS Pres for trying to make me wear a name tag. I got after the Bishop for not checking on me, "Are you wondering how I am doing Bishop, because I've been waiting for you to call and check on me, but you haven't. I am not doing so good and I could really use some support blah, blah, blah." Who does that?! Apparently, I do. The worst of it is, I didn't stop there. "I was wondering if you are going to let me make any decisions in Primary. Because when we asked for anyone in RS you just ignored us and it seems like you want to make all of the decisions yourself blah, blah blah." Ouch.

You should she the Bishop's wife, she is so quiet and sweet. She always thanks him for what he teaches her etc. I doubt he has had much experience with such a strong willed woman as myself. Anywho, what is done is done. After all the ranting Bishop and I had a nice talk about Primary so maybe he will just forget the first part? Fingers crossed....