Today is a break down day. I can feel my heart racing and I am pretty weepy, so I thought maybe writing a little would help me pull it together.

My kids are really growing up. So many opinions. R is so stubborn about her hair, she really needs a hair cut and a style. She wants to just leave it as is and it is not so good... Today for school I put in a teeny tiny pony tail (the girls have very specific names for all the things we do to their hair). Well, she did not like it. I didn't have the time to talk her into it or distract her before her ride came. L was staying home from school sick so R was going by herself. I had to carry her down the stairs to the door. Then I just gave up. I didn't have it in me to carry her to the car and hand off the problem to my neighbor running the carpool. So, I said she could just stay home.

Then I closed the door and burst into uncontrollable sobs. I have got so much work to do and these kids need so much time and attention. I feel completely overwhelmed. So, R stayed home and we'll just say she was sick again. I am too tired to do otherwise.

Christmas is coming and I am so ready for it. I hope the kids don't find the secret stash. Twenty-five days is quite a long time! Fingers crossed everyone.

E showed up yesterday. In the morning he asked if I needed any help this week and I am too stubborn to tell him when I need help. He has only seen his kids once the last couple of weeks because I finally got him to stop coming over every day. So, yesterday morning I told him that if he wanted to see his kids he needed to call and set something up. So he said he would come over that night. Last night he came over and announced that he would take two kids to sleep at his apartment. S peed in his bed. I guess R and S slept in his bed and he slept on the floor... and she peed the bed.

This morning he announced that he would take B and L to sleep over tonight. I get so frustrated. I feel like I am trying to teach him everything. We have been over and over the whole "plan things out" idea and he just refuses. He refused a schedule, he said he can't take them all every other weekend. Then there is the whole girlfriend issue, he may or may not be living with someone, sometimes. So, I don't know what to do and I am so tired of making all of the decisions and being the only adult in the equation. I just want to protect my children.

Yesterday he also complained because I gave him his Christmas ornaments and decorations. He thinks I should keep pictures of him up in the house and keep things around so the kids know him. We have had this conversation many times before as well. I asked if he wanted some photos of me to hang up in his apartment and he made a rude comment. He just doesn't get it, ever.

I'm tired and want all of this to just go away.