So, it has been awhile. I am getting much better but there is still so very far to go. I can talk more freely now about the horrible things E has done. In the past I felt like it wasn't my place to spread his sins out for all to see, but now, meh... I will tell all if anyone asks.

So, he has been pretty rotten recently. Everything seems to be a big fight. To get him to stop coming to the house every single day was a crazy fight. Taking away the garage door opener, changing the code again and again (he used to drive a Mercedes and would just reprogram his car to the garage). One time when we stayed home from church sick I hear the garage opening and there he was, with another garage door opener. Then I told him I couldn't find the house key and he just happened to have it in his car. Exhausting.

I forced him to make a schedule for visitations, he acted like it was the most ridiculous thing he had ever heard of. He just likes to call whenever and say, "Can I take the kids for awhile?" I printed out a calendar and made him choose when he would like the kids. He wanted to just come over here and hang out but I told him he would have to take the kids to his place. He wanted to just take two at a time and once again I forced the issue and said he needed to take all of them. He finally chose a weeknight, he picks them up after work and they stay over night at his house. I asked if he wanted every other weekend, but no, that is when his girlfriend visits.

Oh, yes, he has a girlfriend that doesn't mind that she is dating a married man. He took her to Christmas, even with the kids. I made him promise me that he wouldn't have her over when he had the kids at his apartment. We have "talked" many times about how I don't think it is good for the kids to see who he is dating. I think he should leave them out of it. I have tried and tried to get him to just leave the kids separate, but he refuses. Last week at B's basketball game the girls told me they saw Sara sitting on the other side. So E came and sat with us and apparently she sat just a ways down. Creepy! They are definitely not very adult about this. I wish he would just leave me alone.

Today he took the kids to his niece's birthday party. Before he has "snuck" Sara along, like she just shows up at wherever they happen to be. Today, however, he just pulled up to the house bold as brass with his girlfriend in the car. When he brought them back I let the kids in and hung up their coats etc. but E just kept standing in the door. I was so uncomfortable. Finally I asked if he was going to pick the kids up for school tomorrow in time for breakfast at school. He answered yes and just kept standing there. "Yes?" I asked.

"The kids will tell you anyway, so, Sara came with us," he says.

"I know." Still, he stands in the door. When is he going to leave? What does he want?

"I don't want to make you feel bad," he starts. Whenever anyone says they don't want to make you feel bad, that is exactly what they want. "She is here with me in the car."

I know he is goading me, he is just waiting for a fight. I can't believe I have held back this long. But he is just rubbing it in my face. Finally I say, "You can't be an adult." He is happy now that he knows he has unsettled me, and he leaves. The look on his face while he was telling me that Sara is sitting in the car, he was just so proud and excited to be able to humiliate me. He felt like such a man to be able to make a fool of me in my own home. It made my stomach turn.

I am starting to ponder moving, just to get away from him. I will always have to put up with something. And it is always something new, every week. This week when he came to get the kids I told him he would have to get them ready. I usually have them all packed with pj's and school clothes, toothbrushes and hair supplies, clean underwear and socks, pillows, blankets, the works. Last week he got off of work early so he came 2 1/2 hours early, but he didn't let me know. So, when I said he could get them ready he rudely asked, "Am I allowed to walk around the house?" It struck me as odd and I tried to remember if I had asked him not to go into the kids rooms or anything. I have asked him many times not to just walk in the door. He refuses to comply. I try to always keep the doors locked, but if for some reason they are open he will just walk right in, every time.

Later, I found out he had taken my camera and the USB cord and I realized that the "walk around the house" comment must have been coming from his own guilt. I don't know when he sneaked into the office to find the cord and camera, but it turns out that he did. All week I was looking for my camera. I was afraid I had left it at B's basketball game the week before. I searched top to bottom, missed the photo op of B receiving an award at school, but still couldn't find it. Finally I announced to the girls, "I can't find the camera, so if you see it anywhere let me know."

S pipes right up and says, "Papa has it." I started with the "he probably bought his own camera" bit but she was confident. "I saw it in his apartment."

So, I thought I might as well try because I had searched coats, bags, the hateful van, the office, everywhere in the house... I call E and tell him, "I can't find the camera anywhere. I think I might have lost it at the basketball game. Did you happen to see it anywhere?"

"It is in my car."

"It's in your car?" I am confused. "Did you find it?"

"I wanted to take pictures of the kids sledding." I had asked him if he wanted to take the kids sledding because Santa brought them some round saucers for Christmas and they hadn't been able to go yet. He took them and his Sara met them there.

I say, "You forgot to tell me."

"I knew you would make a big deal out of it, like you always do. I knew ..."

I cut his ranting off and said, "Okay, okay, I have just been looking for it all week," and then I hung up.

He gave the camera back the next day and proudly displayed a new camera he has bought with his Best Buy credit. The same Best Buy credit that spelled out the beginning of the end for our marriage. He opened an account and bought a laptop without talking to me about it. The next two months he would sit on our bed with his laptop whenever he was in the house. He wouldn't come down for dinner, he didn't interact with the kids... The same laptop that I had to borrow one weekend when my computer had been sent to my tech guy for re-imaging. He left three days later after many lies... but by then I had seen with my own eyes and knew they were lies.

He never apologizes, not for taking the camera (he blames that on me because I would have thrown a big fit, he had to sneak it out), not for his girlfriend breaking one of our sleds, not for snowplowing the cord of my new little spiral Christmas trees I had outside, not for yelling at me when I asked if he could jump the van during his lunch hour. Yesterday he actually said to me, "You never put yourself in my shoes." He is just exhausting to be around.

I am trying to pray my way past this anger stage. You know how you hear that the atonement can help you forgive and heal, as well as repent. Well, this week I realized that my anger and the mean things I say are sins. I need the atonement to help me get past this because all of this bitterness will cause me to sin more. I would rather stay on the path and stay closer to the Lord. So, I am working on it, but I am still pretty angry.

This week it also came to me that E is suffocating all of the love that we had for each other. His behavior is suffocating any good feelings I used to have. So sad.

It is good for me to be reminded of my kids in all of this. They hate it when we argue in front of them, yet another thing that E seems not to see the importance of. I have to keep it civil for them. I want to wrap them up in a big loving cocoon and help them feel safe, important, loved... They are suffering and will continue to suffer more than either E or I. It is not fair.

I did read a great scripture this week. I feel so frustrated about not being able to control things that hurt my kids or are confusing for them. Doctrine and Covenants 123:17 says:

"Therefore, dearly beloved brethren, let us cheerfully do all things that lie in our power; and then may we stand still, with the utmost assurance, to see the salvation of God, and for his arm to be revealed."

It hit me that all I can do is my part and then stand with assurance. That is my goal from here out. Concentrate on things I can improve, E is going to be a jerk and hurt the kids over and over, I can't control that. I have tried to talk to him, but he does what he wants. When I read the scripture the Spirit whispered to me that if I do the things that lie in my power, it will be enough. I can help them grow and be strong and confident, which is my greatest desire.