Humiliation

Stupid, stupid, stupid E. Why must I suffer this humiliation over and over and over? Whenever someone else finds out one of the first things they say is, "Why?" Of course one wants to know why E left or semi left, because he is still here all of the time. However, I am not the one to ask. It was his decision. I am not going to enumerate his sins or shortcomings, that is rather personal and it really isn't my place. I would also rather not make a list of things "wrong" with me: too fat, nag to much, not that great in bed, spend too much money on chocolate and books, force him to pay tithing, do not love spending time with my in-laws... the list could go on and on. But, I don't think that is a really healthy way to think right now. So, please don't ask me why... you can give him a call and ask him. If you don't have his cell phone number I can hook you up with that.

Another humiliation came just now at the kids school. We filled out the Free/Reduced lunch form before school started and qualified for reduced lunch. Slightly humiliating in and of itself, but hey, we are grateful for the help. Then when E left I went in and filled out a new form thinking that maybe we qualify for free lunch. So, today the girl says we are out of lunch money for all of the kids. "Are you sure?" I ask, dreading the explanation that will have to come from me in moments. She then asked me if I had filled out the form. "Yes, and we qualified for reduced lunch the first time I filled it out." She starts typing on her computer and finds that they have been charging us the full price for lunch, that our qualification for reduced lunch had never been entered. Then I must continue... "Then my husband left us," I hear myself saying in a very public place, "and so I filled out another form with just my income." Her expression of surprise and pity is one I am getting very familiar with as she whispered she was sorry and asks if we are okay. That is when the true humiliation continues because the almost sob-talking begins, "No, we aren't, but can you check and make sure she got the second form?" I try to get it all out before I turn and make my speedy exit. It just isn't fair. Not fair, not fair, not fair.