Soccer and Sunday

Soccer has begun. We now have 4 children playing, but at least they are on 3 different teams. This week they played at 3 different parks and thankfully at different times. They were all so excited, it was adorable. E was late for the game and R played the first quarter before he got there. She ran and hustled and had so much fun. I was so relaxed and enjoyed watching the sheer joy in her. The other two quarters she played she held back a little, I am not sure if it was because she was tired or she was tired of getting kicked... but she wasn't quite as aggressive. Little L on the other hand was a go-getter. She stayed aggressive the whole time, just fighting her way into the mob around the ball. She ran and ran and ran. It was hilarious, because I thought she would be much more timid.

S got to play plenty. She is the only brown haired girl on the team, all of the rest are blonds. So odd to me. But S ran and ran, made a goal and enjoyed herself immensely. I do worry about her "needy-ness" with everyone. It is like she is always trying to charm everyone, and she is usually successful, but I just worry about her.

I was so nervous for B and his game I was almost sick. E is not a great sports parent, he is one of those embarrassing dads that is always too hard on his kids. He is coaching B this year so it could go either way. Thankfully the game went great. It was very equally matched, there are a lot of good players on B's team and they pulled off a win. Whew. B seemed ecstatic after the game but then it wore off and he decided it is just okay. I was so relieved!

E stayed around all day Saturday. He keeps falling asleep at our house. I feel kind of bad for him. I can't imagine what it would be like living with his family in Brigham. In the late afternoon he started working on B's bike with him. At five o'clock I had to finally say, "We have to go." He wanted to know where and I told him we had a BBQ to go to. I still feel bad not inviting him. I know, I know... but I still feel bad, he is making such poor choices. So off we went to the BBQ and we had a great time!

Sunday was fine. I am getting better at getting the kids ready by myself day after day. In a way it is easier knowing that it is all on me. Before I had this secret hope that E could help out and do some of the work. Now I know I have just got to get it done. So, off to church and Primary... Primary went well. I think the most difficult challenge will be when teachers don't show up. Another challenge will be trying to change anything, because everyone is so used to how things are run.

Fiddly-dee. Church is hard.

Humiliation

Stupid, stupid, stupid E. Why must I suffer this humiliation over and over and over? Whenever someone else finds out one of the first things they say is, "Why?" Of course one wants to know why E left or semi left, because he is still here all of the time. However, I am not the one to ask. It was his decision. I am not going to enumerate his sins or shortcomings, that is rather personal and it really isn't my place. I would also rather not make a list of things "wrong" with me: too fat, nag to much, not that great in bed, spend too much money on chocolate and books, force him to pay tithing, do not love spending time with my in-laws... the list could go on and on. But, I don't think that is a really healthy way to think right now. So, please don't ask me why... you can give him a call and ask him. If you don't have his cell phone number I can hook you up with that.

Another humiliation came just now at the kids school. We filled out the Free/Reduced lunch form before school started and qualified for reduced lunch. Slightly humiliating in and of itself, but hey, we are grateful for the help. Then when E left I went in and filled out a new form thinking that maybe we qualify for free lunch. So, today the girl says we are out of lunch money for all of the kids. "Are you sure?" I ask, dreading the explanation that will have to come from me in moments. She then asked me if I had filled out the form. "Yes, and we qualified for reduced lunch the first time I filled it out." She starts typing on her computer and finds that they have been charging us the full price for lunch, that our qualification for reduced lunch had never been entered. Then I must continue... "Then my husband left us," I hear myself saying in a very public place, "and so I filled out another form with just my income." Her expression of surprise and pity is one I am getting very familiar with as she whispered she was sorry and asks if we are okay. That is when the true humiliation continues because the almost sob-talking begins, "No, we aren't, but can you check and make sure she got the second form?" I try to get it all out before I turn and make my speedy exit. It just isn't fair. Not fair, not fair, not fair.

Better Day

Deep breath.... and release. Today was a better day. E came by for the kids in the morning. I have been pretty impressed that he can get here so early because before he couldn't even roll out of bed to get them to school on time. I still feel like I have to be ready just in case he doesn't get here early enough. I feel guilty, but I am so grateful for even that little help of him taking them to school in the morning. Tuesday night he also stayed and bathed the girls while I worked. Just a little help goes a long ways.

Today I went out to dinner with the recently released Relief Society presidency. We always went out to eat for each of our birthdays and Pam thought we should go out one last time. She has been so great and so amazing, I am really going to miss talking to her all of the time. I sent all of the kids off to B's futbol practice with their papa and just ran away for awhile.

I had fed them quesadillas before the practice but they were all hungry by the time I got home around eight. The great mom that I am, I told them they could eat in the morning! No wonder they are all skin and bones. We also did zero homework tonight.... actually R did her homework, which is ironic because she is usually the only one who refuses to work. Everything is topsy turvy. I feel so guilty because I just can't wait to get them in bed.

B had is regular breakdown before bed. Today he said that he knew I hated him. He really is hurting inside, but I sure don't want the blame. Not fair, I say. I try to get him to put his feelings into words but he only comes out with crazy statements like, "Why don't you just get rid of me?" I must get him into counseling. Tonight I made him say a prayer and I made him hug me. His favorite thing is for me to come lay by him in his bed for awhile, so I think that helped him calm down a bit. B could use any extra prayers lying around out there.

I am so full. We ate at Iggy's, delish, and I am stuffed. It could also be the box of cookies I ate earlier. Must stay in control. What I need to do is fast again. :) A good fast will straighten things out.

I got a lot of work done today. It felt good, being productive. Thank goodness I have such a great job.

If you are yearning for a little tear in your eye listen to the song "Bring It Back" by Kris Allen. It is on my itunes play list and it made me a little sad today.

Oh, I started asking for the random favors today. :) Mary called and said she was going shopping and did I need anything. I asked her to keep an eye out for two coin purses. R and L are supposed to have a coin purse for school. Their teacher gives them pennies as positive reinforcement and at the end of each month the kids have a class store. Anywho, I haven't gone to the store in forever... so Mary found me some coin purses today. :)

I hear the neighbor putting out the trash. Bummer, I forgot. We shall see if I remember in the morning. Have a great night!

Too Hard

This is too hard. I don't want to do it anymore. I want life to go back to what it was like back in the good ole days. I had quite a few break downs today. I am getting tired of having to tell people that E doesn't live here any more. And the sad thing is, it has only just begun! Only a hand full of people who live here even know. Bother.

Today when E came by to see the kids I just broke into tears and said, "I don't think I can talk to you today," as I ran upstairs to the bathroom. S came in and wanted to know why I was crying. R came in and asked if I was sad because Papa didn't live with us anymore. It is uncanny how in touch with things she is!

I am just feeling beat down. This is too hard.

Now I must go off to watch Covert Affairs and pretend like I could have been a great CIA agent if I had only thought of that career path sooner. :)

Thank You

A shout out to all those who have been so great to me. People are being very kind. I find it funny that everyone wants to help. Not that I wouldn't want their help, just that the greatest help of all would be to fix everything, and they can't do that. So, my mind always goes blank when I try and think of something else they can do for me.

Hey, I should just start asking for random things... like maybe I need someone to fold my laundry everyday. That would be dreamy. :) Or maybe someone could power wash my house. Funny, to me at least.

I couldn't sleep last night. I woke up around 1 a.m. and slept fitfully after that, awake most of the time. I try so hard to turn my brain off and just breathe... but my darn brain keeps getting in the way. During the night I felt myself getting sick. Burning in the lungs with each breath and shallow breathing. It also felt like the mucus was building up right then as well. I could hear L hacking up a lung downstairs and R woke up in the night with cough and a stuffy nose.

So when I tried to wake up B this morning for school and he said he didn't feel good (which he says pretty much every day) I just went with it. I told him to go back to bed and I let the girls sleep in. No school today, they just laid around and watched TV all day. I got in quite a nap today as well, it was amazing how much better I felt afterward. I was able to get a lot of work done in the late afternoon.

So E came by today and couldn't open the garage. He asked if I had changed the code and I said yes. "That's why I couldn't get it open," he says without anger or maybe even the understanding that I did it to make him knock. I guess my life is just surreal, I am walking around in a daze all the time.

Dad called again today. The last time he called he was so nice. I was sobbing so hard I couldn't even say words... just grunt. He asked if I could talk better today and made a joke about knowing how I felt when I couldn't get the words out. When I thanked him for his previous call and told him how much it meant to me to hear that he was behind me all the way he said, "Well, it was just the right thing to do so I did it." I still remember him saying, "I just knew something was wrong, I knew it, I just knew it!" And today when I told him that I was just surviving from day to day he said that's how he lived too. Poor guy.

Yesterday I fasted for E, for him to wake up and recognize what he is doing. It made me a little uncomfortable. I guess I am afraid to get my hopes up. But that is what fasting is for, right? I could really use an instruction manual.

The familia Lucas brought us dinner tonight. Originally they had invited us to go and eat at their house, but I thought I should probably stop dragging my sick kids around infecting the world. They are so kind.

Yesterday we (RS) had an activity set up to go out to the Veteran's Nursing Home. I took all the kids and the minute I heard L cough I realized that we were going to cause the death of at least one person there by introducing some new strain of something. Bother. Another thing to feel guilty about. I also couldn't sleep last night because I had held a baby last night at a BBQ and I thought how horrible it would be if I had infected her. Bother.

Hey, I also dreamed about B's principal catching me in a lie. I was so tired in my dream that my stories weren't matching up and she started questioning me as if I were in a court of law. Rude. I so don't like to lie.

Well, tomorrow is the day I start teaching. Wish me luck, health and a pleasant voice.

Goodnight!

I am so exhausted today! Today was hard.

Church

So, church was pretty somehow today. It was hard getting out the door, as usual, but I thought I 'd better be there for the announcement of the callings at least. It is so difficult not to lose my temper when I have all of the girls ready, buttoned, teeth brushed, hair done and headed out to the van... and I open B's door to find him sitting and organizing his Pokemon cards. He still had to brush teeth, comb hair and get shoes and socks on. I must admit I raised my voice a little.

I know B is in such a difficult place. For about the last six months he has been talking back so much and fighting everything we ask him to do. He also always says things like, "Maybe you should just throw me out with the trash." So, I know he is hurting....

Anywho, at church the opening hymn was "Have I Done Any Good in the World Today?" and it just annoyed me. Bad sign. Then they released us and I had to stand. I found that I was about to lose it so I had to stare at a spot on the wall above everyone's head. I knew that in moments they were going to announce that I was being put in as the Primary President and I didn't know if my legs would hold me up. I stood and made zero eye contact and was so grateful I was in the front of the room so only a few rows could turn to look at me.

After sitting down I had a little break down. Cried a little, then pulled myself together. Then, just as an extra special test made just for me, Science Hater (a guy in my ward) got up to speak. He talked about making it to the Celestial Kingdom as a couple. That if you made it there alone you would be a ministering angel. That was his topic. He went on and on about how you cannot be exalted alone. Thanks. Just what I needed.

I was gearing myself up for the end of sacrament meeting. I thought I was ready but the girl right behind me was really nice and said she knew I would do such a great job in my calling. She said the Spirit had been really strong during that part of the meeting. Huh, guess I missed that with the trying not to make eye contact and all. But her kind words brought on another break down. I knew I couldn't talk to anyone! So I went to Bonnie and sobbed out a request... if she could help get my kids to Primary. I went out the closest door and found myself in the Stake Offices. It turned out to be the perfect hiding place. :)

Of course L wouldn't go without me and had to be brought to me in tears. There was a mystery voice that called out "Julie" as I was running away, so whoever the owner of that voice is has been offended today. Bummer.

By the time RS came around I had it together again and was able to go in and sit up front smiling and nodding.

Only one of my new counselors was there today. The other two don't even know yet. So, good times ahead. Wish me luck.

So, I finally hung a variety of things on the wall today. We had a tree and tree house picture made with all of our hand prints and I hung the crocheted "Castellon" that Janett made us. I also hung some framed pressed wildflowers that I have had since I taught on the rez! Everything looks really nice.

E took down the two extra satellites we had hanging on our house. Nice. Then all the kids went to play at a neighbors so we talked for a minute. He acts like everything is normal when he talks to any one (like our neighbor). I asked him if he was embarrassed and didn't want them to know or if he was just going to leave it to me to tell everyone. He pulled the "why does everyone need to know our personal business" card again. So, I guess I will have to tell everyone. Annoying.

Before he left he said he'd see us tomorrow. I said, "Uh, why?" He answered, "Church." I just shook my head. He said, "Okay, if you don't want me to come to church with you than that is fine." So he said he would see us next Wednesday for sure for B's soccer practice.

I told him about the website that explains how to do divorce in Utah. We have to take two classes in order to file for divorce, so we are going to have to schedule that. He said he would look at the site.

After he had left I changed the garage door signal, so in theory his car shouldn't open it any more. Last night I mentioned to Steve that I didn't know how and he found me an answer on yahoo.answers.com. Thanks Steve. I hate to think how he will feel when he tries to open the garage door. I feel sad, but this was his choice. I don't know...

The twins had their first soccer practice this morning at 9 a.m. I am really working on getting everyone out of the house without me having a conniption each time. Hasn't happened yet. So, we were late and still trying to find socks and shoes and E calls to ask where the field is. I tried to politely mention how busy I was trying to get out of the house, for Pete's sake!

We met R & L's coach, such a nice guy. I think they are going to have a blast. You know what just occurred to me, maybe Heavenly Father sent R down with L so she always has someone to be on her team, someone to walk into school with etc. I never know how clinging L is going to be, but she did really well today, and I know it helps so much to have R there with her.

I am freaking out a little because there are four different soccer fields! E will always be with B because he is his coach, so I am praying that S and R&L never have any games at the same time scheduled for different fields. Oh, goodness. The madness starts next Saturday.

E has taken R & L to buy their football boots (cleats). B went to a soccer camp this summer and his coach was from Scotland. He made little jokes about our soccer terminology here in the states, like you don't kick the ball with your socks (soccer), you kick it with your foot (football). Every since B really enjoys using the terminology of Europe just for fun.

The Bishop called and said he had a really nice visit with E last night... and that he would still like me to be in the Primary. I feel better about it, so I said okay. It will force me to go to church every week :) and I will be with the kids the whole time. L already had issues going into Primary every week, so at least I will be in there in case things get worse. Can you even imagine L crying more and being more clingy? Hard to believe... but....

Now to work with me. I must get everything ready before school starts on Monday!

Elder's Quorum Grill-a-thon was fabuloso last night. We were one of the stops with street tacos, delicioso as well. Awkward when E showed up. He chatted away with everyone like nothing is any different. It is so weird. He still drives away at night and leaves me to put the kids to bed etc.

He agreed to go and talk to the Bishop tonight. I didn't ask how it went or what was said. He was pretty feisty this morning. He came by to take the kids to school, then I gave him a ride to get the tires put on his car. I asked if wanted to start the process for a divorce and he snapped at me, "If I am not living with you it is because I don't want to be with you anymore." So, that's a yes, right?

After school I had to run down to SL for back to school night. I just took the kids with me. When we were on our way home he called and wondered where we were, if we had gone just for fun, when we would be back... He was at the house when we got home. He said he was going to get some stuff out of the garage. Then he took the van and washed it and vacuumed it inside. Very kind... but why? Then some friends came over so he stayed to chat with them. They invited us to go on a double date with them and he was like, "Okay, give us a call." When they left I asked why he didn't just tell people, was he just going to leave it all to me to have to tell everyone? He said, "Why does everyone have to know our private lives?"

I have seen him more this week than I have the last couple of months. He had gotten in the habit of just going up the room and staying there when he got home from work. I do not get him.

Part of me wants to change the locks and set all of his stuff outside. The other part would like to keep things civil just in case he shapes up. What to do, what to do...?!

You know, it was really quite nice going to bed last night. For over a year I have had to try to go to sleep with the lights on or beg him to go to sleep too. We have stayed up way too late. Last night I was able to go to bed around 10:30 p.m. I woke up at about 6:30 a.m. feeling rested. I knew everything was on me so there was no need to wish that he would help with anything.

I did yoga. Cleaned up the flower bed and some branches in the yard. Put the trash out. Got a lot done before 8 a.m. It felt nice. :)

We used to joke about how nice it was to sleep alone in the bed when one of us was gone. We could spread out and not worry. This morning he asked me how I had slept and my answer was just, "Good." Then he tried to make a joke about how great it must have been to have the whole bed to myself. "This isn't a joke to me," I said. "I am trying to be calm, but it isn't funny to me."

So, he is taking his own sweet time "moving out." Tuesday he said he was leaving. He spent forever getting a few clothes together.

I asked him to tell the kids before they went to bed. He wanted to just leave and let me explain in the morning. We set all of the kids down and he told them he wasn't going to live with us anymore. It was pretty horrible. Brigham couldn't stop crying for a couple of hours. I felt like I had to pick up the pieces... I went around and tucked them into bed, said prayers with all of them, let them talk if they wanted or just hold them for a while. It was pretty ugly.

Turns out he spent the next three hours working on his car because the trunk wouldn't open. We decided he could sleep here and I left him a pillow and a blanket on the couch. I tried to go to sleep around 11:30 p.m. but I just tossed and turned for hours. I just kept reliving all that I had seen and all that he had said to me. It just repeated and repeated in my head. I didn't fall asleep until almost 3 a.m.

We woke up and the kids were so excited that he was still here. Just more confusing for them I think. He took kids to school and said he would see us after work. I thought he was coming back for more stuff.

He breezed in after work, opened the garage, walked right in like nothing was different. He told B he was going to take him to scouts. So, after washing his car he took him to the Spanish Branch for scouts. I can just imagine him talking and laughing with our old friends while I am at home doing homework, cleaning, working and getting everything ready for tomorrow.

Later he came back in, talked to the kids for awhile, ate some food and left. He said his trunk was full and he couldn't take anymore with him. He still has most of his clothes hanging in the closet. All of his drawers are full.

This morning I woke up early to clean the yard a little and get the trash out for trash day before I had to take the kids to school. I got them all ready, fed, clean.... everyone to the van and off to school. We came back home and about 10 minutes later I hear the garage open. In he walks and says he can take them to school, a little too late buddy.

I feel so angry because this is just what he has always wanted. He can come and go without explanation. He doesn't have to do one thing around the house. He doesn't have to help get the kids ready for bed or ready for school. He doesn't have to take care of laundry or pick up one toy. He doesn't have to take the trash out or take care of the rabbits. He can sweep in and talk to the kids if he'd like but no worries about finishing homework or making sure they bathe. Free and easy.

I have really tried not to say mean things, though occasionally something slips out. This morning I said that if he was going to leave us, he needed to do it. Not just half way. He comes back with, "I thought I could visit the kids. I didn't think you were going to be all crazy about it." I said I thought he shouldn't just open the garage and walk on in, that he should start knocking on the door. He said, "Oh, you want me to give you a call ahead of time, too?" sarcastically.

We also have an Elder's Quorum activity in the backyard tonight. He mentioned that he thought he would come by to eat. Grrrreeaaaat.

Part of me want him to know that he is welcome to come back home if he will change and live close to the Lord. The other part of me feels like he is taking advantage of the situation and I would like to make it hard on him. Who knows.

Last but not least, I finally called the Bishop. Poor guy was speechless. I just told him a tiny bit of what was going on. He was taken completely by surprise. He said, "Now, I didn't know anything about this." I told him that we kind of just kept our problems to ourselves. Bishop had asked me to be Primary President on Sunday, he was going to announce it this Sunday. I asked him if he could just think about it and wrap his head around what was going on, then give me a call later. He just stammered and stuttered, "Sure, sure."

I'd better get to work. Sure has been a hard week to get any work done.

I am hoping that writing this will help me clear my mind a little. Feel free to throw out advice if you have any.

• We had four kids in three years. That is a lot of crying, so many demands for attention, constant work/effort. There is no time for yourself when you have so many babies to take care of. We have been "fighting" about the exact same things for the last four years. He doesn't want me to "order" him around, which I call asking him to help out around the house. Our intimacy hasn't been that great but I think it is because I am always so exhausted and he thinks it is because I was made wrong.
• I really noticed him feeling "angry" with the church when he started counting tithing as part of his calling. We were really struggling financially because I wasn't working and he was only making about $15 an hour. Somehow we still paid our bills, kept our house and food on the table.... and our credit card debt kept increasing. He could see us paying our tithing and knew who didn't. He also had to make out the checks from the church to help members pay their bills etc. We argued often because he thought we should just have the church pay our bills since they were paying everybody else's.
  
• During that time he also started into other problems...
• Then I was Relief Society President before the twins were even in nursery. Hard times. After leaving the Spanish Branch they put him counting tithing in the English ward and they put me back in the Relief Society presidency. Now he saw people paying thousands of dollars in tithing, and that annoyed him too.
• All these years I have had to force the issue of family prayer, Family Home Evening and scripture study. If I didn't ask him to pray with me each night, he never would have prayed. He stopped reading scriptures ages ago. It is my opinion that reading, praying etc. helped me get through each day and see the good in our kids, in him and in our situation. He has changed so much since we got married.
• I really wish we would have spent more time going on dates. At first it was just way too expensive to get a baby sitter. Later we rarely had a free weekend and it was hard to find someone who could take care of our kids. I also felt so guilty leaving the kids with someone else for very long because it was a lot of work and I felt like it was my responsibility to care for them.
• Last year I started working and I often worked 10 hours a day. I begged for more and more help around the house. I had to work every Saturday and Sunday. Work, work, work. That was not good for the family.